It’s hard not to laugh at the “Mike Brown is a genius” headline. I mean, go ahead, laugh a little. Give it the chuckle that it deserves.

Sure, calling Mike Brown a “genius” is about as believable as God stopping bullets from hitting Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield (did you realize that Pulp Fiction is 17 years old now? Damn, I feel old).

But the more I think about not trading Carson Palmer, the more I think it’s “genius” (sorry, I just had to use the quotes in that situation). I mean, it’s one of those decisions of “It’s so dumb it has to be genius because no one is that dumb.” Really, my facetiousness is wearing off and I’m starting to be serious.

Think about it for a second (I’m pausing…): Trading Carson Palmer is the obvious move right now. 31 out of the 31 GM’s would have made that decision the very nanosecond it was possible (Mike Brown doesn’t count as a GM since no sane individual can be both an owner and GM at the same time… just ask Jerry Jones…). But really, the Bengals are at a huge disadvantage with being forced to trade Palmer. Especially a Palmer coming off 3 consecutive sub-par seasons (to be fair, 2008 shouldn’t count, but I don’t care). So what would happen if Mike Brown did announce from his pulpit, ex cathedra style, “We shall trade Carson Palmer to anyone willing to give up two first-round draft picks plus their future first-born son.”

The other 31 GMs would be laughing their tuckuses off. After they wipe the tears of laughter off, a few GMs would then give a low-ball offer. Maybe a third-to-fourth round pick and some schlup from the secondary. Any Bengals fan would be happy to receive a low-ball offer. Any offer, really. Hell, they’d accept the lowest-ball offer out there. Just trade him, damn it, for something. Anything. Trade him for nice beads or Bengals playing cards. Don’t just let him sit there on the couch while a trade could’ve given us something! Damn it. (Sorry, the bitterness lingers)

This is where the genius part comes in. Mike Brown really wants to trade Palmer. Whether it’s in his consciousness or it’s lurking in the far reaches of his Id that I believe is where this “genius” lies. He does. I know he does. He can’t be this mother-truckin’ stupid. No one is. The “genius” of this decision to publicly and privately state that Palmer is not being traded is… (wait for it! I gotta build the suspense!) Mike Brown is driving up the market for the price of Palmer.

It’s the oldest psychological trick in the book. What do you do to make someone desire something more? You tell them you can’t have it. So what’s Mike Brown doing as of this moment? He’s waiting. He’s waiting for free agency to die down. He wants the QB carousel to settle. He wants some team to have an “Oh Crap” moment. As in, “Oh crap, Kyle Orton is our starting QB? Damn, get me Mike Brown on the phone now! Tell him I’ll give him two first round draft picks and maybe we’ll throw in some skittles for Carson Palmer!”

Realistically, I don’t know how realistic that situation is. Maybe Mike Brown will have to wait until somebody’s QB is injured, or named Kevin Kolb (really, why does everyone think he’s all that good? Maybe he’s really awesome, maybe he’s not. But really, I don’t quite get the Kolb fascination). But Mike Brown is doing what’s best for Mike Brown. That’s the “genius” of it (yes, quotes again. Deal with it). No player is going to dictate to Mike Brown what he’s going to do. Mike Brown decides what Mike Brown will do. If Carson wants to try his power play of “Trade me or I won’t play,” guess what? You lose, buddy. You lose until I (Mike Brown) get the best I can get for the team. I (Mike Brown) will not take beads or trading cards for you. I’m getting the value that I want, and if that doesn’t happen? You’re sitting on the couch, buddy, and I can sit here in my white palace rubbing my hands while my white cat purrs on my lap, enjoying the schandenfreude of thinking about your suffering. No one screws with Mike Brown! Cause I’m Mike Brown! Yo.

Genius.

Ding Dong, Chad is Gone