Before Atlanta Falcons WR “Rod” Roddy White came on down and spoke out recently against the Bengals, calling out the team for their mediocrity (tell us something we don’t know), I already had an idea for a Smack-Down style blog entry.

You know, I was going to take a page from Chad Ochoncinco’s playbook and start getting myself all “hyped” for this game by doing a mostly tongue-in-cheek, trash-talking blog. But you know what?

Screw that tongue-in-cheek crap.  The tongue is coming completely out.

Oh it’s on.

Like that video game with that Ape Creature.

The gloves are coming off. I’m sparing no one here from the Falcons. Current players, former players, the fans. Hell, even the owner.

Here’s why The Falcons Suck Beyond All Acceptable Levels of Suck (as if there were any acceptable levels of such suck)

1) Their Bland, White, Uninteresting Quarterback Vs. Our Bland, White, Uninteresting Quarterback.

If Matt Ryan and Carson Palmer were locked in a room and had to fight each other to the death or they’d both be locked in there forever, that would be an interesting battle. And by “interesting battle,” I mean the Most Boring Competition on the Planet. It would be like watching two nuns being forced to an arm wrestling match. They wouldn’t. Do. Anything. These guys are way too polite and say all the “right” things. Mother Theresa would be considered a bitch in comparison to these guys. Seriously. If you had to watch this “death match” between these two duds, you might run to the nearest paint-drying match for some titillating excitement.

Oh, and Matt Ryan sucks. Sure, he’s having a good season and Carson’s been more erratic than a meth-addicted monkey, but really, he sucks.

Why? Exhibit Number One-A: Doing Gillette commercials. Whoever directs those insipid, inane commercials, has the magic touch of making every athlete look like the Biggest Douchebag on the Planet. Especially those awful commercials with Tiger Woods, who starred with that one French soccer player that no one knew before he came to America and now about five more people know who he is, and Pete “If you thought I looked like a douche before the commercial, check me out NOW” Sampras. And they’re acting all chummy and “hey, look at us, we’re just normal guys, giving each other good-natured crap, and we’re not really super star athletes who really hate other forms of human life, even though the commercial makes a point that we’re really superstars and it’s obvious we really hate each other.”

And then there’s that Ryan Gillette commercial: Where are his pecs? Does he do much lifting? I mean, really. You’re a pro athlete. Football Quarterback. And you have as much pectoral definition as a five-year-old girl. Yeah yeah yeah, Matt Ryan can throw the ball far and stuff. But where are the pecs? I’m a guy that needs his women pale, his coffee black, and his athletes ripped to shreds. But Ryan? Not so much.

In summary: Palmer currently can’t beat Ryan in stats, yet Ryan starred in those Gillette commercials.  And Ryan’s nickname is “Matty Ice.”  As in Vanilla Ice.

Advantage: Bengals.

2) Their Deposed, Disgraced Black Quarterback vs. Our Deposed, Disgraced Black Quarterback

By that I mean: Mike Vick vs. Akili Smith

Vick’s plight with the dog fighting fiasco and his current process of redemption has been well-documented. And Akili Smith? Well, for Bengals fans at least, his own history is more infamous than famous. Smith was the 3rd overall pick in the ’99 draft, and he was supposed to be the Vick before Vick: he could throw the ball a mile, run like the wind, etc. etc. etc.

But he flopped. Big time. Smith tried to make it in the Canadian league. He was cut. From the Canadian league. He could not make it in a country where you’re guaranteed to start on the D-line if you can crack 200 lbs or throw the football more than 20 yards. Did I mention he couldn’t make it in Canada?

So Vick was an All-World, Super-Hyped athlete, who actually backed up the hype, had a 2-year layoff, and now is on the cusp of being great again. Smith just sucked. I mean, one could make the argument that it was because he was on a bad Bengals team, but, then again: Canada.  I mean, Canada.  What else can I say?

Smith, however, is now working on becoming a minister, and he’s playing for God’s House, a flag football team.

In summary: Smith sucked it up in not only in the NFL, but also the CFL. Vick was/is a superstar Stud. But he made dogs hurt each other.

Advantage Bengals.

3) Their Owner Who Looks Evil vs. Our Owner Who Actually is Evil

Arthur Blank

Mr. Arthur Blank, a philanthropic business man, owns the Atlanta Falcons. He looks like a guy on the street shuffling cards and trying to cozen you out of your hard earned money.  He could star in any Bugs Bunny cartoon as the villain and you wouldn’t blink an eye.

Mr. Mike Brown, a douchebag, owns the Bengals. He sucks at owning a professional football franchise and at life. He refuses to hire a GM for the Bengals, and he steals lollipops from babies (rumor). He reminds me of Emperor Palpatine. You know, “Now, Young Skywalker, you will die.” Lighting shoots forth and whatnot.

Mr. Blank actually wants to get rid of problem players. Exhibit One-A: Mike Vick.

Mr. Brown actually courts those troubled players: Too Numerous toCount.

Blank’s evil nature is imaginary and perceived only in my head.

Mr. Brown’s not.

If Brown and Blank were both locked in a room together, Blank would die a slow and painful death just from breathing in the fumes of the acidic aura that pervades Brown’s presence.

Advantage: Bengals. Our boss can kick your boss’s ass.

4) Roddy White’s Smack Talk vs. Chad Ochocinco’s Smack Talk

Mr. White, God love him, tried to talk some smack to the Bengals. Saying that the Bengals are just another team on their schedule. He didn’t know the cornerbacks’ names, even though both are Pro-Bowl caliber.

Ochocinco, God love him, sent the Atlanta cornerbacks T-shirts that had the logo “Mad Chad,” which is the name of his iPhone App.

I’ve never heard of “Rod” Roddy White talking trash before, and I can see why: He sucks at it. I mean, “I don’t even know their record,” and “I couldn’t tell you who their cornerbacks are,” despite their Pro Bowl credentials… yeah. Big whoop. Oh no, Mr. White doesn’t know the best defenders on our team. Man! I feel bad now. I mean, it’s Jonathon Joseph. J-O-N-A-T-H-O-N J-O-S-E-P-H, and L-E-O-N H-A-L-L. And I think maybe White didn’t circle this game because he gave up trying to spell C-I-N-C-I-N-N-A-T-I.

I mean, I expect that kind of trash talk between high school football teams. Not professionals.

Advantage: Bengals

5) Hot-lanta Fans vs. Conservinnati.

Okay, Atlanta may have more of a fun atmosphere to its city than Cincinnati. They seem to have more clubs and more places to go out and have a good time. Cincinnati is desperately trying to revive the moribund night life with yet-to-be-made-but-forever-promised places like The Banks (a bunch of new restaurants along the river) and a new, spectacular two-story beer garden between Great American Ball Park and Paul Brown Stadium.

And Cincinnati puts cinnamon and chocolate in their chili. One of our dishes is called a 3-Way.

Advantage: Cincinnati.

Actual Game Prediction

As for the game itself, most of the pundits out there who have common sense are picking the Falcons. The Bengals never follow common sense.

Bengals 27, Falcons 13.

Whenever you count them out, the Bengals do just enough to make you interested again just to break your heart even more. I love my team.

Any suggestions, questions, complaints can be emailed to djacob@gearupforsports.com. You can also join Dave’s facebook group, and/or follow him at http://twitter.com/HoldenCarraway.