The Bengals are about to sign troubled cornerback Pacman Jones.

I mean, this isn’t even a joke (unlike my unfunny ones from last blog). They’re, like, seriously about to sign Adam “I asked people to stop calling me ‘Pacman,’ but that’s the only way people know who I am because ‘Adam Jones’ doesn’t strike the same cord as ‘Pacman Jones,’ so I guess it was pointless for me even to ask people to just call me ‘Adam’” Jones.

I mean, what the hell? The Bengals just cannot surprise me anymore yet somehow they find ways to surprise me. I think this is a paradox wrapped in an oxymoron. Or it just sucks. I don’t know. All I know is, I’ve become fairly uncomfortably numb to the absurdity of the way of the Bengal tigers. God forbid the Bengals to let the fans just bask in the current debacle of the Steelers and Ben Roethlisberger. Oh no. It’s like Mike Brown saw the headlines of Roethlisberger’s rape allegation, Santonio Holmes’ bar incident, and Jeff Reed’s drunken debauchery; and said,
“Hey now, we’re the true hoarder of criminals and miscreants. And don’t you forget about that! You guys are suspending and trading your troublemakers? Hell, we invite them in! No one will beat the Bengals at that game!”
To understand this absurdity further, let’s take a look at the current cornerbacks on the roster:

1. Leon Hall: potential pro bowler
2. Jonathan Joseph: potential pro bowler
3. Brandon Ghee: drafted in the third round, highly touted with great speed
4. Morgan Trent: second-year player who played decently last year
5. David Jones: Another guy who has had success in our system.

And where does Pacman fit in? Next to the food pellets and the ghost? (another unfunny joke, I know)

I guess most people would assume Pacman would be the number three cornerback. Mike Zimmer, defensive coordinator for the Bengals, said that “you can never have enough cover corners.” True, in some respects. It’s perfectly logical to want to acquire more talent on a team. It shouldn’t take a brilliant philosopher to realize that More Talent > Less Talent. But when you add talent like Pacman Jones, it’s like taking a pin out of a grenade and hope it explodes on the field and not in your hands (exploding on the field would mean he plays well and not get into trouble, or it could mean that he kills everyone around him, which would be bad and make the simile ineffective).

Pacman, who has played a grand total of 9 games in the past three seasons due to suspensions, has a ridiculously long police blotter report. He was never been charged with anything, but he has been involved in 12 incidents that required police attention. Here is one of these “non-charged incidents,” according to this website:

“Jones was also accused of simple assault by Toya Garth, who said Jones spit in her face. Garth said Jones ‘got very close to her and spit in her face, and which point she stated she spit back in his face,’’ according to statement taken by police.
“After Jones was asked to leave, police said he began yelling profanities and was arrested by Officer Matt Baldwin.
“‘Mr. Jones was given several opportunities to leave, he just wouldn’t do it,’ Lt. Alvin Baird said. ‘As he was leaving he hung out the passenger side of the vehicle and began yelling profanities at the security at Sweetwater Saloon, and he put us in a place where we had to do something. Jones was also said to have bloodshot eyes and a strong odor of alcohol.’
“He was placed under arrest for disorderly conduct and public drunkenness.”

Welcome to the Bengals roster! We said we were going to clean up our act, but, ah, screw that. That’s just a load of BS. If Charlie Manson can run a 4.3 and catch the ball, I’d say, “Sign him up!”

I’m just so uncomfortably numb to any shocking move that the Bengals make, it’s just not funny. I mean, I needed a friend to talk about this, so I invite Vincent Vega to come over to do some (coca puffs*) and shoot some (pixie stix). As we were (having a good time while watching TV), Bruce Willis – as played by Bengals president Mike Brown – bursts into our house with a giant (bubble maker), and he (blows bubbles at) Vince who then spurts (rainbows) all over my face. As I am being showered by (rainbows and Nickelodian goo-juice), Bruce Willis/Mike Brown laughs in my face and says, “How do you like having more ‘reformed’ criminals on the roster? I’m signing Pacman Jones, ya’ [pleasant name for a good friend]!” As the (rainbows) are dripping down my face, and I look at Vince’s (smiling, happy face), I just smile and say, “Cool.”

I’m just so uncomfortably numb!

Another thing is, Pacman Jones is supposed to be a good punt return man, but the last season he did punt returns he averaged 5 yards per carry! We’ve got people on the roster better than that! Two of them: Quan Cosby and Jordan Shipely! So I guess we’re just hoping he’s going to be a good third corner, which, I don’t know, I guess he could be. If Mike Zimmer has signed off on him, and he was the one who wanted Pacman here, then I can be slightly “okay” with it.

As I mentioned before, more talent is better than less talent. And, according to Deion Sanders of all people, Pacman has “turned his life around.” He is going to have a child with his fiancée, and I guess he’s “matured” or whatever. If he can be a good citizen, and not add to the dozen police reports during his tenure with the Bengals, then he might be a good pickup. It might even be a brilliant pickup if our third corner could be the first or second corner on other teams. He does have talent, and the Bengals never shy away from that.

Still, I’m just disappointed we’re going bargain-basement shopping for troubled, but talented, players. We previously signed Matt Jones who had a (cocoa puffs) problem, and drafted Carlos Dunlap who was so excited to play in the SEC championship that he drank too much (Kool-aid) and (fell drunkenly asleep at the wheel of his car the night before the game (wait, that actually happened)).

But, man, I think we should pick up that Charlie Manson guy; he’s still a free agent. I hear he’s a real killer.

Go Bengals.

*Remember, this is a family blog.

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