Oh! Oh! Oh!
I just thought of this joke: (stands back, takes a deep breath)

How are a disease-ridden, skanky, I-wouldn’t-touch-her-with-yours-and/or-a-ten-foot-pole whore and Ben Roethlisberger different? The people who sleep with those disease-ridden harlots would actually pay to do so.

Zing! Ha!

Wait a second… I just had an epiphany. This offseason will be/is awesome.

It sure as heck didn’t start that way with the ignominious defeats to the New York Jets (we’ll see you again on Thanksgiving, ya’ turkeys). Those back-to-back defeats deflated just about any and all goodwill built up with the Bengals and their first AFC North championship in four years. But then the following happened:
1. We got Antonio Bryant and shipped off La-douche-bag Coles.
2. The Steelers traded their best receiver Santonio Holmes away.
3. Ben’s indiscretions happened and then he was suspended for four to six games.
4. And now that we had a great draft.

What truly makes me happy, along with all the other positives, is that it’s open-season on Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers. Wait, wait, wait, here are more BR jokes (I thought about naming this article “BR and You,” like “VD and You,” but I thought that would be too esoteric) for you:
1. NFL Comissioner Roger Goodell has told Ben Roethlisberger that he’ll be out of the action for the first 6 weeks of the NFL season. But Ben was relieved.  “Why is that?” asked Hines Ward.  Ben responded, “Out of action for six weeks… I’m pretty sure the Commish was just talking about me playing football.”
2. The Steelers drafted a center in the first round of the draft. At least he can now grab-ass a person without getting arrested.
3. For the first six weeks of the 2010 season, the only passes Roethlisberger will be making will be in bars.
4. A woman is suing Santonio Holmes for assaulting her in a nightclub. And suddenly, Ben Roethlisberger has a wingman.
5. Ben Roethlisberger will not appeal his suspension. He plans on just closing his eyes, accepting it, and hoping it ends quickly.
6. Roger Goodell and Ben Roethlisberger recently met for several hours in New York. Goodell is one of the few people still willing to be in a private room with Roethlisberger.

Okay, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. That’s what Ben’s accuser said. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! They’re just too easy (that’s what Ben said!).   This next one, however, isn’t so much a joke as it is a way to put his suspension into perspective: How is Ben Roethlisberger like gonorrhea? You think it’s all gone, but all of a sudden it’s back, and it’s back with a vengeance (there’s a good porno title in there somewhere; I just haven’t figured it out yet).

Anyway, even though commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Ben for six games, Ben could actually reduce his sentence to four games with good behavior. I would actually bet that Ben will make it in four games rather than six. Ben is too much of a competitor; he’s not going to stand on the sidelines any longer than he needs to.

So what does Ben’s suspension actually mean to the Bengals (and the rest of the AFC North, but I really just care about Cincy, so screw them)?
Here are the Steelers’ first four opponents: Atlanta Falcons, @Tennessee Titans, @Tampa Bay Bucs, Baltimore Ravens. All four of these games are 1:00, so there is no prime time pressure. They split two home games and two away games. The Falcons, Titans, and especially the Ravens are all formidable opponents, but they aren’t invincible either. The Bucs showed some flashes last year and they could be dangerous. Still, a winning record wouldn’t be unfathomable. And if you include the next two games if Ben serves the full suspension, the next two opponents are the Browns and @Dolphins. Both, again, are at 1:00. Hmmm… I wonder if the NFL deliberately scheduled all the Steelers prime time games until after Ben gets back (duh, I would too). Anyway, the Browns beat the Steelers once last year, and they should be an improved team this year, and you can never overlook the Dolphins.

Once again, despite being without Ben, and despite facing mostly quality opponents, I can see the Steelers banding together and have a winning record. How could they do that without their top receiver and quarterback?

Well, first off, they have a stable of backup quarterbacks who all seem to be capable of winning games. Charlie Batch is probably the least talented QB they have, but he takes care of the ball and he is a steady pro. Byron Leftwich has won plenty of games in the past and he has a lot of moxy. And then there’s Dennis Dixon, the wild card. He showed a lot of talent last year against the Ravens in the only start of his career. He’s got a good arm, and he’s a threat to run the ball, even more so than Ben.

And even though Santonio Holmes is gone, it’s not like they have cupcakes left over. Hines Ward will be Hines Ward, no matter how much I hate him and and want him to cease being Hines Ward and cease his stupid Hinest Ward stupid smile (all those “stupids” are on purpose). Mike Wallace should jump into the number one/two spot with the receivers. He’s got blazing speed and he can make the tough catches. Limas Sweed is a third-year player for the Steelers, and he has some talent, even though he dropped a few passes last year.

Also, the Steelers still have a good running game, even though they didn’t use it much last year. But with Ben gone, they will probably go back to feeding Rashard Mendenhall about 25 to 30 carries a game. He has established himself as the premiere back for the Steelers.

And then their defense, with a healthy Troy Pube-a-malu, should not be as inconsistent as it was last year.

In other words, to discount the Steelers would be to pretend that that painful herpes sore on your lip is gone forever (*cough* Ben).

Oh no.

The Steelers will be back.

I’m sure most pundits will predict that the AFC North will be a Ravens-Bengals race, and rightfully so, but I wouldn’t count the Steelers out just yet, nor would I even count the Browns out.

On second thought, nah, never mind. I’m counting out the Browns. They’ll be better, but I think they’ll still suck.

So even though this will be a fun offseason, with making fun of Ben and the Steelers and basking in the glow of being AFC North champs, the Bengals still have a lot to worry about.

Almost as much to worry about as the Georgia police in probing quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.  And almost as much to worry about as Ben did after he finished his own “probe” of Georgia coeds.

Man, this is going to be a fun offseason.

Follow David Jacob at http://twitter.com/HoldenCarraway

Other Bengals Blog: www.cincyjungle.com