My wife’s girlfriend (settle down, not that kind of girlfriend) totally scooped me on the fact that Chad Ochocinco will be on Dancing with the Stars. She got me by at least five hours. I am totally bummed. I, the Bengals blogger, the person who at one point in his life needed sharp objects taken away from him while watching Bengals games because he may harm himself or a random appliance, got scooped about the Bengals most mercurial star by… a woman.*    Yuck.

And she doesn’t follow sports!

I shall hang my head in shame.

Okay, I can’t be too down on myself because that whole story was really about reality TV, which, as a rule, I hate unless it involves the Garden State and lots and lots of hair gel and tanning.

Anyway, my initial reaction to this (aside from, “That _______ just scooped me! No she did-ent! [snaps fingers]“) was barely a shrug of the shoulders.

What, pray tell me, is even remotely shocking about this? Really. What? These are the consequences of his actions:

1) Chad won’t participate in “voluntary” offseason workouts and forgo 250 Gs. Chad hasn’t been involved in an offseason “voluntary” workout since we had a white president and “health care” wasn’t a dirty word.

2) Chad seeks more attention via media. Woopee!!! Exciting!!! Really! Wow! Chad is such a media whore, that he makes Lindsey Lohan, Octomom, and Paris Hilton look like virginal school girls.

3) Chad may harm himself while dancing… which is about the same chance of him getting hurt while working out. Period.

I have no fear of Chad getting hurt doing this show. Also, Chad is way too competitive to allow himself to be out of football shape when he comes to camp. And Chad would not have done this without Marvin Lewis’ approval.

This whole story is just one giant shrug of the shoulders for me. I could not care less. My wife wants to watch the show now, and I guess I have some mild interest in seeing Chad dancing, but I’ll be more interested in Erin Andrew and Pamela Anderson than Chad. I’ll probably tune in a few times just to see what the heck it’s about (dancing, right? with famous people? I think I’ll need to digest this theme for a little bit. It’s a little bit over my head.).

With that said, I think Chad has a good chance at winning this competition. First off, the word “competition” alone makes this a winnable event for Chad. Second, athletes have a history of doing well in DWTS because if I have to explain why then you are a moron. Third, Chad is a very creative guy and I think he could come up with some sweet dance moves.

Regardless, I just wish I could care more about this story, but I can’t. I keep looking on espn.com and nfl.com about draft news and they have this ticker slowly ticking away until The Draft (it’s at 49 days, 13 hours, 29 minutes at right about… now). It seems SO FAR AWAY. I’ll just sit here and pine away at who our first two draft picks will be, what tight end seems to be worthy of a first round pick, which receiver we should get, if we should go for a wide receiver in the first round. Free agency also starts this Friday at midnight. I’ve been going so crazy with thinking about what the Bengals should do, I have talked myself into and out of signing Terrell Owens about a hundred times (“Maybe we should get him. What if he has a career resurgence? How awesome would that be? But then we would have two prima donnas on our team… Ahhhhhh!”)

At least I have March Madness and a young but promising Reds team to keep me occupied. Let’s hope the Bengals can make the right offseason moves.

And, Chad, Mr. Twinkle Toes, go ahead and enjoy your little Dancing with Famous People. But, if you get hurt, I am going to break your… (grits teeth) be VERY angry with you. Please stay healthy. Thanks.

*Lynn, I love you. Please don’t take any of these above references in a disparaging way. You’re not a _______(not so nice term), you’re a ___________ (much nicer term). I’m still mad you beat me to the news punch, though.

Follow David Jacob at twitter.com/HoldenCarraway