I get a text message from my wife this morning that said roughly, “Did you hear about Rey?” And the answer at that time was no. Apparently, Rey Maualuga – starting rookie Cincinnati linebacker who was picked in the 2nd round out of USC – was arrested for a DUI in Covington, KY. He hit two parked cars and a parking meter at around 1:00 a.m. this morning.

Wow.

Two… Parked… Cars… AND…

A parking meter?

What?

Really?

I mean, Maualuga doesn’t look like a rocket scientist, and NFL players in general don’t ALL come from Harvard (Bills QB (and former Bengal) Ryan Fitzpatrick did graduate from there (nerd) and, like, maybe someone else?). But, as I take a page out of ESPN’s NFL Sunday Countdown, C’mon, Man!

This is pathetic, bad, stupid, fatuous, myopic, and whatever other adjective you may want to use from a Thesaurus.

And now let’s hear the refrain from the media and the rival fans of the Bengals:

- Bengals are all criminals.
- Bengals are a menace to society.
- Bengals are all a bunch of goddamn phonies (that one’s for you, JD).

As a fan, you want to defend your players and say, “Hey, he’s not THAT bad.”

A DUI, however, is indefensible. He’s lucky that he didn’t hurt himself or anyone else. At the lunch table today at my work, someone commented that people who make all that money should not hesitate twice in calling a cab.
But it’s not about the money.

I would venture to say that a sizable portion of people who have drank alcohol in their lives and then got into a car have thought (okay, “thought” might be a strong word in some cases, but bear with me here) one of the following ideas:

1) I’m fine, I can drive.
2) I’m probably not fine, but, what the heck, I should be fine driving.

Athletes would probably take that type of thinking (once again, too strong of a word here) to another level. Believe or not, most athletes have egos, and they feel they can do just about whatever they want physically, because they’ve been gifted with talents that 99.9% of the population does not have.

So when Rey got into his car after a few too many drinks and luckily only damaged his car, other cars, that precious ego, and his wallet (apparently it’s roughly a $50,000 fine for a DUI offense with the NFL), this is not at all surprising.

Which is sad.

I mean, it’s a problem that the world will have to deal with over and over again, generation after generation, no matter what. And I’m not saying, “Let’s just let people drink and drive without any consequences,” or not try to prevent people from drinking, but it’s tough to prevent stupidity in society.

I mean real tough.

Look at Jersey Shore. Nuth’ said.

If I were Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, I would install three things in Bengals cars: 1) Breathalyzer. 2) Stupidlyzer 3) Jolly ranchers (surprisingly tasty AND long lasting. And yes, it has nothing to do with anything. Sorry.).

So now Rey will have to make his court appearance, pay his fine, perform community service, do some public service announcements, and maybe try to find where the ducks go in the winter (ah, Salinger, his death stings me so).

The recidivism for Rey? He might wise up and he might not do it again. The recidivism for the Bengals? Please. Bengals fans have been on a decent “No Jail” streak for a while, but this harkens back to the 06 and 07 days where it would just be a matter of weeks, days, or hours before we’d find out that ANOTHER player would be a poster child for Who Not To Be in the NFL.

Now the only thing that fans have to do is shake their heads, pray this won’t happen again, and hope that next season starts soon (wait, they haven’t played the Super Bowl yet? (I’m actually excited for the Super Bowl, but I’m already ready for next season to start)).

And Rey?

Get a cab.

For the love of all things holy and not phony, swallow your pride.

Thanks.

(Follow David Jacob on twitter @HoldenCarraway)