(Dave wakes up, stretches his arms and legs, scratches his butt, and smacks his lips).

Yawwwwn… Hi folks, I’ve been in bed sleeping the last week. I’ve had no contact with the outside world for the past seven days. How did the Bengals do last night?

(Looks at the newspaper)

Thirty-seven to nothing! (a high pitched, effeminate screech comes out)

Wait, that can’t be right. (Checks score again. Still 37-0)

Hmm… We didn’t play any of our starters, right? (Checks the box score…)

Oh shi- (faints, falls on his ass like Chad did last night in warm ups, wakes up with a bruise on his ego).

Wait, what just happened? Oh yeah, the Bengals… “lost” last night (if you could call what they did last night was an attempt at competition)…

I (scratches head), I feel that… (sighs for an inordinately long time) I would like to say… (stares blankly out into space) I, I, I I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK!

Okay, I wasn’t sleeping for the past seven days (I wish I had). I watched exactly one half of the game, and that was only because my wife forced me to watch the last two seconds before the Jets kicked that field goal. Now – I’m only guessing – it looks like they didn’t perform much better in the second half. I’m not even going to comment on the stats (zero yards of passing for Carson! Wait, didn’t I say I wasn’t going to comment on the stats? And Chad said he was going to change his name if Revis covered him… hmm… ).

I kept thinking about this awful loss and I’ve been trying to find ways to console myself after such an ignominious performance (which is an English teacher’s way of saying they played like sh*t. But that would give sh*t a good name). One thought came to my mind, and that was a comparison of this situation – the Bengals getting whooped by the Jets in the regular season and then having to play them again 140 hours later in a playoff game – to the Simpsons episode with the Stonecutters.

Bear with me for a second.

In that Stonecutters episode, Homer Simpson desecrates the Stonecutters’ constitution (or something like that), and they punish him by chaining him to the “Stone of Shame,” a bolder about waist-high. After Homer hilariously tries to pull the chain for a few feet, it is discovered that he has the birthmark of the “Chosen One.” They detach the “Stone of Shame” and then attach the “Stone of Triumph,” which is comically three times the size of the “Stone of Shame.”

This is how I view these two Jets game.

The “Stone of Shame” = the 37-0 shellacking on prime time TV.
The “Stone of Triumph” = the much higher stakes – and possibly more arduous task – of winning the playoff game.

The playoff game will be tougher and more intense, but it could also contain some triumph, because – I know this will sound like a stretcher after last night’s game – we could win the game.

Redemption, thy name is sweet.

The Jets did kind of back into the playoffs with wins over two teams that were resting starters with the Colts and the Bengals. Years from now no one will remember that the Bengals tanked that game if they go out and win this game and then go on to win the Super Bowl (I tried to type that with a straight face…).

Still, this is a hard game to explain away and say, “The Bengals should turn it around and win on Saturday.” Every time I think of a reason to be optimistic about the Bengals and Jets game on Saturday, I hear Randal from the movie Clerks say in my ear: Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp… The sucking sound is so apropos…

Here are some of my “explain the loss away” attempts:

1. The Jets HAD to win the game + it was the last game at Giants Stadium + Bengals didn’t need this game = Loss. Look, I can understand all of those factors leading to a loss, but..

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

2. The Bengals had several defensive starters out. Domato Peko, Robert Geathers, and Chris Crocker. That’s a lot of run-stuffing capabilities that we missed. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

3. The Bengals had a vanilla offensive and defensive game plan. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

4. Chad was hurt; that’s why Revis did so well against him. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

5. Carson Palmer played well, but the receivers let him down with the drops, and they can’t be as bad next game. But…

Thirty-seven! Slurp, slurp, slurp…

Look, I don’t care if the Bengals even had their third stringers in, they should not have lost to them so poorly. Hell, the University of Cincinnati team – whom Florida dismantled in the Sugar Bowl – could’ve scored at least a field goal.

There is not much happiness in Bengal-land nowadays. I spent the weekend feeling pretty excited about the upcoming playoff game. But now I feel that the 37-0 beat down sounded the death knoll for the end of the season. It seems that it’s going to be a long, long week until 4:30 this Saturday. I feel like I’m waiting to go to a funeral. The dirt has been piled high and deep over the Bengals of 2009. The Bengals of 2010 have been eerily reminiscent of the Bengals of 2008, 2002 and the 90s. Even those Bengals teams seemed to have more fight. I don’t think I’ve ever been more ashamed to be a Bengals fan as I am now.

Where else can Bengals find optimism? I mean, seriously and realistically.

I think it can be summarized in one word: adversity.

The Bengals have gone through so much this season, and they’ve bounced back with each huge set back:
- Devastating loss against Denver, win against Packers
- Zimmer’s wife died unexpectedly, Bengals beat the Ravens
- The Bengals go down 20-6 to the Steelers, come back to win the game
- Chris Henry dies, Bengals play a very good game against the Chargers
- Bengals bury Chris Henry, they come out and win against the Chiefs

So what do the Bengals do after a 37-0 meltdown on national TV? What else are they going to do? Are they going to feel sorry for themselves the entire week? Or are they going to get angry and fight back?

The Bengals didn’t need this game and it was painfully obvious in their play. They’re not THAT good of a team to go through the motions and win a game.

The momentum of that game was all in the Jets favor, but the crazy thing about momentum is that it can swing both ways. If the defensive starters can stop all the ridiculously long running plays, if the wide receivers decide they can catch balls thrown to them, if Chad heals quickly and plays better, if Carson can spread the football around more instead of focus on Chad throughout the game, I think we have a good chance at beating the Jets.

Yes, I said a good chance.

I don’t see a repeat of Sunday night. At least, for my sake, the sake of all Bengals fans, and the sake of the casual football fans, I hope that there isn’t a repeat of Sunday. I think our players have too much pride, AND we have the home field advantage.

PLUS, the Jets might suffer from being over confident on Saturday. It’s still just one game and anything can happen.

The last thing I want to experience is another “one and done” performance by the Bengals. Whenever I hear an announcer say “one and done,” it’s like they’re spitting out the words, almost like saying a cuss word. Being “one and done” feels like they don’t even deserve being in the playoffs.

So I hope the Bengals can pull out a win. Just for the sake of Bengaldom. For whatever suffering Jets fans supposedly have gone through, they at least have a Super Bowl-winning team in their history. The Bengals have had none. I don’t think it’s their year, but I’d at least want them to get out of the first round and take a crack at the Colts.

Regardless of what will happen, I’m going to be at the game. I’ll have my Carson Palmer jersey, my Bengals hat, my Bengals poncho, and my Bengals sweatshirt on (it’s going to be cold, folks). I’ll be walking into that stadium, full of hope and nerves for a good performance by the Bengals. I’ll be standing in the stands, like I was in 05 when the Bengals lost to the Steelers, cheering my head off. It’s just one game.

Anything can happen.

Including a Bengals win.