Thanks to the Raiders beating the Steelers (how’d that happen? Does “unleash hell in December” mean “Eh, not so much”?) and the Ravens losing to the Packers, the magic number for the Bengals to reach an automatic playoff spot is one. Just one more win in the next four games will guarantee us the AFC North (which all of a sudden isn’t looking as strong as it did earlier this season). One win in four sounds like a slam dunk, but, as any true Bengals fan will tell you, nothing is certain.

There are absolutely no guarantees in the next four games. The Vikings and Chargers are obvious challenges, while the Chiefs have beaten the Steelers, and the Jets have beaten the Patriots. In other words, it is possible for us to go 0-4.

But you know what concerns me the most right now? It’s not making it to the playoffs (cue Coach Mora: Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?!! I just want to win a game!). It’s the Bengals offense. It seems like I’ve written about a bajillion blogs (it’s an actual number, just ask NASA or the IRS) about the Bengals’ struggles on offense. The Bengals’ offense is like the huge gift that’s been sitting underneath the Christmas tree since September (Christmas tree in September? Yes, the stores are starting THAT early now), but Bengals fans have been told that we can’t open it. We ask “when?” but some random, old, wrinkly, mole-ly hag of a woman tells us in a shrill voice, “NOT NOW!” Each week Bengals fans rush down the stairs and hope to open the wonders of deep bombs by Carson Palmer, scintillating routes by Chad Ochocinco, and punishing runs by Cedric Benson (one of three right now). Still, that hag is sitting there, with a shot gun in her rocking chair, rocking back and forth way too slowly, saying, “Not today, bitches. Not today.” The hag gave us a peek during the Bears game… but then BAM! She butts our heads with the gun, telling us to suffer through excruciatingly slow, grind it out, so-painful-to-watch-that-I-feel-like-I’m-watching-Larry-King-read-a-dictionary games.

We have failed to score over 20 points in a game seven out of the 11 games this year. How does this happen? Every Cincy fan thinks that the 2009 Bengals should be the 2005 Bengals, except with a good defense and a more mature attitude. In 2005, Carson Palmer finished second in the league with a passer rating of 101.1, right behind Peyton “Cut that Meat!” Manning. Right now Carson has a QB rating of 85 (#18 overall). In 2005, the Bengals ranked #6 in the league in offense with 358 total yards per game, 239 yards passing, 109 yards rushing, and scoring 26 points per. This year’s offense: #17 overall, 332 total yards per game, 133.9 yards rushing (#6 overall), 198 passing yards, and scoring 21 points a game. The difference? 5 points and 26 yards less a game. That doesn’t sound all THAT bad, but there is a huge gap in the ranking of a #6 offense and a #17 offense. Right now, I don’t think anyone is “scared” to play the Bengals offense. Back in 2005, Carson could throw it over their head and make them poop their pants. In 2009, the only scary thing is the amount of money Chad is losing (did you hear he was fined for wearing a sombrero AND he’s being sued for not paying for a car? Crazy).

The one thing that every Bengals fan has said since Carson started playing was that all he needed was a defense and we’d be winning Super Bowls left and right. It’s taken five years, but now the Bengals – yes, folks, THESE Bengals – currently lead the NFL in scoring defense at 15.6 points per game. If you told the fans back in 2005 that we would have the number one scoring defense in the NFL, we’d automatically assume we’d have a perfect record (hell, we should be 10-1 without the fluke catch in the Denver game and Caldwell’s fumble in the Raiders game… Sigh. If only if only if only). The 05 Bengals ranked #28 in overall defense, giving up 22 points a game. The 09 Bengals have the number 5 defense overall and the number 2 rush defense in the league. We are #4 in total defense in yards given up at 293. I can’t belabor this point enough: Bengals fans circa 2005 would be drooling over those stats. Do Bengals fans talk about this now? Barely. We’ve got a good defense, BUT THE OFFENSE CONCERNS ME (did I use caps there? Sorry).

So where’s the Magic Bengal Fairy?

Oh, you don’t know what that is? Well, the Magic Bengal Fairy is the creature that will cast a spell that’s going to magically and miraculously transform the 09 Bengals offense into what it “should” be. The problem with the Magic Bengal Fairy – along with the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause, and Fiscal Responsibility – is that it is a FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION (damn those caps… they get sticky). Look, everyone would love for Carson to throw 32 touchdowns this season. He’s got 16 right now. He’s halfway there! The problem with transcribing one season’s success to another is that it just doesn’t happen. Look at the Steelers: they have the same roster as last year and are now 6-6.

The real secret is… and no one really wants to admit this (not even me)… we’re not that good offensively.

Gasp.

Deep down inside, I feel like we could be. In my Bengals Super Fan Mode, I feel like we can just turn on the switch when we want to. It seems like they’ve performed better against the good teams, but they just look at the mediocre teams and say, “Meh.” Still, I feel like some of our passing offensive woes can be attributed to the following:

- Missing Chris Henry: He didn’t have a huge impact with us this year, but that’s because he played hurt most of the year. And now he’s gone and he had been our most consistent, stretch-the-field, deep threat on the team.

- Lack of development of Jerome Simpson: Who is Jerome Simpson? Outside of Cincinnati, no one knows him, but the Bengals picked him over the Eagles star wide receiver Desean Jackson. Simpson hasn’t even been activated yet this year. Fans are calling for him to play, but they put in practice squad member Mauric Purify over him. What does that say? “We made a mistake drafting him.” Or it could mean that he’s just not ready for the NFL, coming from a DI-AA school. Still, he was supposed to be our new deep threat and he’s done Jack Squat.

- Tight Ends Suck Unmentionables: J.P. Foschi is fine, but Dan Coats is just plain awful. He dropped another TD pass on Sunday. And the coaches don’t want to activate Chase Coffman, who only happens to hold the record for most TD catches in college history. What the ef, man?

- Palmer’s inconsistency: Carson can be good at times, but sometimes he’s just off. I always felt like he should be considered in the upper echelon of QBs, but his inaccuracy at times is killing us.

Team/Player Photos: Cincinnati Bengals Team / Player Photos on Jul 23, 2010

- Laveranues Coles: Watching Coles play makes me pine hardcore for TJ Who’syourmama. I know it’s his first year in the Bengals system, but how complicated is it to learn to run a new route? Especially if you’re a vet? He’s had 33 catches for 404 yards and 3 TDs. Coles is not striking any fear into the hearts of the defenders. We will need him to step up big time if we’re going to go anywhere in the playoffs.

Every Sunday I hope the Magic Bengal Fairy will sprinkle some dust on our boys and they go to town on somebody. Let’s hope it starts this Sunday against the Vikings.