I know, I know, your kindergarten teacher and your mom told you that you should not “hate” anyone; you should “strongly dislike them.” Screw that. I hate the damn Steelers. One might say I should hate the game and not the player. Screw that person too. Here are my Top Ten Reasons Why You should Hate (and I mean haaaaaate) the Steelers

10. Troy Polamalu: Does anyone else think those Head and Shoulders commercials are just awful? My wife asked me the other day, “Is that really his voice? Isn’t that a little effeminate for a football player?” She said it, folks, not me. But I thought so too. The worst part of the commercial is when the announcer asked him about the play that changed the game, but Troy keeps saying, “I owe it all to Head and Shoulders.” He didn’t ask that. “But you said it with your eyes, Trent. You said it with your eyes.” What heterosexual male would willingly choose to participate in such an abomination of a commercial? Okay, I know Troy (my wife calls him Pube-amalu because of his hair. That’s funny.) is a beast of a man and he could probably kill me with just his “eyes,” but are you kidding me, Troy? Why would you do that?

9. Ben Roethlisburger: Has anyone else noticed that Ben has been on the same twinkie and ho-ho’s diet as Bengals Tubs of Fun Andre Smith? When I saw him walk into the stadium for the Monday night game against the Broncos, I did not think he looked like a Super Bowl-winning QB. He reminded me of some white trash trailer dude who woke up after an all-night bender, threw on a random t-shirt, and decided to play a touch-football game. Yeah, he played an awesome game and was ridiculously accurate, but you seem to be letting yourself go, man. Is there a Super Bowl champions buffet every night at the local Golden Corral? If I were a woman and had to choose between Mr. Humpy-Dumpy-isburger and Carson Palmer, well, I’d go for Mr. California cool. I’m comfortable with my manhood to say that I think Carson is a handsome man. He’s way sexier than White Trash Ben.

8. Hines Ward and his Stupid Smile: Every time Whines Ward makes a play, he’s got a stupid grin on his face. I’d like to take his face and shove it into a cinder block every time he smiles. People say that his smile shows that he enjoys the game. How about you enjoy the game by not looking like a douchebag? After the Steelers lost to the Bengals the last time, he was complaining how they should’ve put us away during the game and how we didn’t deserve to win it. I wish I could frame that picture of him being angry so I can then smash it and burn it, because who wants a picture of Hines Ward? I hope Jonathon Joseph and/or Leon Hall level him on Sunday.

7. Art Rooney’s Secret Jedi Mind Control Trick: I’ve compared Bengals owner Mike Brown to Emperor Palpatine before, but I think Art Rooney is a stronger and more powerful Jedi. After original Bengals owner Paul Brown died, Rooney hypnotized Mike Brown into becoming a cheapskate and inept NFL owner who thinks he is the only person who can judge NFL talent. Mike Brown is a very astute, generous man, but he has been corrupted by the Dark Side of Art Rooney. I have no actual proof of any of this, but this makes perfect sense. Why else would Brown refuse to hire a GM?

6. Steeler Nation: They’re everywhere. If a urinal cake televised a Steelers game, a heterosexual Steelers fan would knock your wang out of the way to watch the game. If they televised a game on Uranus, they’d be all over it. Let’s say this again with emphasis: STEELERS FANS ARE EVERYWHERE. If one would travel to archery-crazed Bhutan (a landlocked nation in South Asia, located at the eastern end of the Himalaya Mountains (thank you, wikipedia, and thank you, my wife, for the obscure country suggestion)) and go to a dive bar populated by sherpas and Jimmy Hoffa’s body, you’d find at least one Steelers fan huddled in a corner waving his terrible towel and chanting, “Here we go Steelers, here we go!” They’re not kidding when they say, “Steeler fans travel well.”

5. Six-Burgh: That’s the stupidest name for a city ever. Who would be proud to call their city that? Of course, after Cincinnati completes its utter domination of the NFL over the next decade, I think it would be brilliant to call Cincy Ten-ten-nati. Now THAT would be brilliant, unlike the stupid “Six-burgh.”

4. Hit on Carson and Keith Rivers: I don’t care if Kimo O-Von-Ax-Wielding-Maniac was blocked into Carson Palmer, which tore his ACL. That didn’t just hurt Carson, he hurt all of Cincinnati’s future football hopes and dreams. Carson really hasn’t been the same until this year.  And there was last year, when Hines Ward ended Keith Rivers’ season last year with that hit. He said he would do it again. I say I still want to shove his face into a cinder block. I’m just saying

3. Hit on Chris Henry: Somehow, someway, I blame the Steelers for the Ravens breaking Chris Henry’s arm. Don’t ask me how. Those bastards were involved. My hatred is my proof.

2.  General Fawning of Media over Steelers:  I hate the hushed tones that the analysts have when they talk about the Steelers.  Chris Berman of ESPN will start a Steelers segment like this: “The Steelers –” pause, and a very serious look in the camera, with a slight in take of breath — “the Steelers are a team who blah blah blah.”  Seriously, get over your man-crushes, ESPN.  Find some girlfriends to dote on. 

1. The Steelers are a classy organization who expect to field a winning team year in and year out. They develop players the right way through the draft. Rooney created the Rooney rule that requires teams to interview a minority candidate for a coaching job. They are the only team to win four Super Bowl titles in six years and they are the only franchise to have six Super Bowls. I hate them more than life itself because they are everything that I want the Bengals to be. God I hope we beat them on Sunday.