The Bengals’ next three games against the Raiders, Browns, and Lions are the Femme Fatale portion of the Bengals schedule. They’re the deceptively attractive females in action movies. I think this portion of the schedule could compare to the movie Species. In Species, you had this super hot woman played by Natasha Henstridge. All the characters think she’s hot, and one guy even gets seduced by her. The next thing he knows, she gets pregnant, and she devours him. How much does that suck? Not only does he inadvertently knock up some one-night stand chick, but she ends up being an alien and killing him. Of course, if you had to choose between Natasha Henstridge’s alien character vs. Rosie O’Donnell… well, you’d start writing your will and hope the death is quick (wait, which one did I choose? That could apply to either situation…)

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Oakland Raiders, et al., are the Natasha Henstridge of football. They look attractive… but then BAM! they get pregnant and eat you alive. Or just beat you in football… I’m losing my grip on reality, folks. Sorry. (What’s the lesson here? NEVER TRUST WOMEN (except for your mom and possibly the woman you married – especially if she’s a lawyer and can sue you for looking at her funny (I’m joking!!!)))

Anyway, I would argue that the next portion of the schedule would actually be a more challenging coaching job than preparing for the Steelers and/or Ravens. How so? Well, what motivation did the Bengals need to beat the Steelers? Exactly! It’s already built in. The Bengals wanted to kick their ass regardless of what Marvin Lewis would tell them. As for the Raiders… well, there’s no history of bad blood, division rivalry, etc. The number one thing that the Bengals need to fight over the next three weeks is complacency.

To overlook any one of those teams would be a huge mistake. As the cliche goes, on any given Sunday, any team can beat anyone else’s retarded monkey. Or something like that. Trusting the Bengals dominance against these three teams is like trusting a promise from Martin van Buren (Oh! Buuuuuuuurn! Suck it, Eighth President of the United States of America! I hope it huuuuuuurts! Wallow in your obscurity!).

Marvin Lewis needs to give the Bengals the following priorities:

- Number One: Beat the Raiders
- Two: Win more games than the Steelers. They have an easier schedule than we do. But they do have to face the Ravens twice (c’mon, Baltimore! Do us a favor! Sweep ‘em! It’s easy! We did it!) and the Packers. It’s quite possible that the Steelers can win out.
- Three: Win more games than every other team in the AFC not named the Colts. There’s no way the Bengals will catch Indy for the number one seed. But we’re in sole possession of second place in the AFC… We need to keep it like that.
- Four: Don’t date Natasha Henstridge’s alien character.

With all that said, I’m going to play the Odds Game for the chances of the Raiders, Browns, or Lions upsetting the Bengals:

Raiders:
- How they can beat the Bengals: One name: Nnamdi Asomugha (or, in a spelling that makes just as much sense: Adkjjfakjfd;ladf Fal;f;ja;lkjdf). The last time the Bengals played the Raiders, he had this ridiculous interception of a Carson Palmer pass. He was running away from the direction of the football, and he contorts his body to grab the pass with one hand. The dude is ridiculous. And he could run a pass back for a TD on the Bengals easily.
- Why they probably won’t: One name: JaMarcus “I like throwing the football a little bit to the left and the right” Russell. The dude has all the tools to play QB except one: savvy. He has completed 47% of his passes with 2 TD and 9 INT. There has been actual talk about how they might put in Charlie Frye or Bruce Gradkowski in place of Russell. That’s like saying, “Let’s try to replace the giant douchebag with a turd sandwich or a poop-sicle.” All are just gross.
- Verdict: 30% chance of them beating the Bengals.

Browns:
- They can beat the Bengals because… they actually looked pretty good on defense against the Ravens on Monday night. If their offense could do anything they might be a formidable opponent.
- They won’t beat them because… they already had their one close game against us this year. They won’t get two.
- Verdict: 10% chance (and I’m being generous)

Lions:
- Why they can beat us: Matthew Stafford is a good young QB with one of the best wide receivers in the league in Calvin Johnson. The dude is a 6-5, 4.3-running freak of nature.
- Why they won’t: Um, because they’re the Lions? I don’t think they have a ton of talent anywhere else.
- Verdict: 40% chance.

I’m giving the Lions the highest chance because this looks like the game that the Bengals could look past the most. The Raiders are an away game so they’ll have more focus there. The Browns already gave us their one tough game and I don’t see them doing it again. Detroit is the Trap Game of Trap Games. They’re like Natasha Henstridge’s alien crossed with the cuddly woodland creatures from South Park who are really pure evil. They’re just plain dangerous.

Preview of Next Blog: A fight between JaMarcus Russell and the Bengals yet-to-be activated-first-round-draft-bust (potential bust, but I can smell it)  Andre Smith. Who will win? Tune in and find out!