So this weekend started out auspiciously with my wife throwing me a surprise birthday party on Saturday (I just turned 30 today… Do you hear that toilet flush? Yep, so did I. So did I. Sigh.). We had good food, I got bunch of nice gifts, etc. The next day was football Sunday and I had put my NFL Sunday ticket to good use by flipping back and forth between the Ravens, Steelers, and the Browns game (which was truly an amazing game, even though I watched that game the least. I kept flipping back and looking at the score and thinking, What the hell got into the Browns… and then they lose on that call at the end of the game. Amazing.). The Chiefs did us a HUGE favor by beating the Steelers. However, before the Bengals game started (I can’t stress that word enough), I took my two dogs on a walk through my old neighborhood that I grew up in… it was the same route that I took as a victory lap after the Bengals beat the Steelers.

So THAT’s why the Bengals lost. I took my victory lap BEFORE the game even started. Even though I wrote about how the Raiders are like the hot chick from Species in my last blog (you know, the girl looked hot, but she was deadly; the Raiders looked like an easy win, but they can beat you), I felt pretty confident about the Bengals going into that game. After the Bengals scored TDs on two of the first three possessions, AND those TDs were by Carson Palmer rushes – he’s had three total rushing TDs before that game for his career or something like that – I felt good. Not great, just good. I mean, the penalties were just ridiculous throughout the game (8 penalties for minus 59 yards), but especially on those opening drives. Still, whenever the Bengals had a 3rd and forever, they converted them on those opening drives and it looked like it was going to be their day.

Oh no.

It’s never that simple. Now, it’s easy to blame one person in this game: Andre Caldwell. I’m glad I took a day to write this blog, because I would have written something like, YOU STUPID S.O.B., DON’T HOLD THE BALL OUT LIKE YOU’RE GIVING ALMS TO THE POOR!!!! NO WONDER YOU FUMBLED THE BALL!!!

I mean, yeah, Oakland had just tied the game with 33 seconds left, and they kick it off to the Bengals, and all Andre had to do was just get tackled or go out of the bounds, and we’d at least go into overtime. That was pretty heart-breaking right there. “Heart-breaking” sounds a bit hyperbolic, and it’s just a regular season football game, but he squandered our chance of winning the game, and I think my heart broke a little bit. Just a little. Still, Andre wasn’t the only person to lose the game. There was a host of culprits who were culpable in the Bengals losing this game. And the Bengals LOST this game. I mean, both teams played horribly, and the Raiders had a nice drive at the end of the game, and I guess they played some decent defense, BUT this was a game for the Bengals to win, and, through various gaffes and penalties and stupidity and bad play calling, the Bengals lost the game. Here are some of the main reasons:

1) Bad play calling: I think the second touchdown drive led the Bengals to think that they could run on the Raiders all day. Not so much. They kept running the ball and running it on that drive, and it was working then, but they seemed to grow timid once the Bengals got into the red zone from then on. Hello, Marvin Lewis, Carson Palmer is your franchise QB, one of the best in the league, USE HIM.

2) Fumbles: Aside from Caldwell’s devastating fumble, there was an equally devastating, if not more so, fumble in the red zone by Jeremi Johnson. Let me not equivocate: DO NOT LET JEREMI JOHNSON TOUCH THE BALL EVER AGAIN. HE IS A FULL BACK AND NOT A RUNNING BACK FOR A REASON. We were at the 15 yard line. I was feeling happy and confident and stuff. Oh no! He had to fumble the ball. Good job. We had three lost fumbles in the game. You’re not going to win many games if you can’t hold on to the ball.

3) Last Drive: Give credit to the Raiders for the last drive, but the defense could’ve done a better job in containing the Raiders. Jonathon Joseph was thisclose in snatching his second interception of the day. You can’t fault him for that, even though it did go right through his hands, because the ball was moving at a decent speed and he’s just trying to get a hand on the ball, but, man, he could’ve had it. And then there’s Morgan Trent, who gave up the touchdown catch on that drive. He needs to be more aware of where the football is. It wasn’t the easiest play to make, but he could’ve done a better job defending the play.

4) Offensive Line: seemed to take the day off at times. Carson was hit more times than a piñata filled with crack cocaine at a hobo party.

5) Shayne Graham: Damn you, Graham. Make a 37 yard field goal. The whole complexity of the game would’ve changed if he would’ve made an easily makeable field goal. He’s gotta hit those.

6) Bruce Gradkowski: How does this guy keep beating the Bengals? He won against us in 2006 for the Bucs, and now again with the Raiders? Who the hell is this guy? Both games were games the Bengals should’ve won. When they announced he was going to replace JaMarcus Russell, I laughed a little bit, but in the back of my mind I was like, Oh crap, not this guy again.

There were some positives that the Bengals can walk away with from the Raiders game:

1) Backup running backs: Bernard Scott was a huge find in the sixth round of the 2009 draft. He had 119 yards on 21 carries, including a 61-yard run that somehow did NOT result in any points (thanks, Shank Graham). And then there’s Brian Leonard, who didn’t have a huge impact, but he’s white and he ran for 36 yards. He’s white and he’s a running back. I mean, wow. He’s white. And. A. Running. Back. How does that happen? I didn’t think they allowed white people to be running backs. I just thought that sometime in 1960 they tried white guys at running back, and then they’d fold like a lawn chair when they got hit. I don’t know, it’s weird. And Larry Johnson had two runs for 5 yards. I still hate him.

2) The Entire AFC North Going 0-4: That was totally clutch. Really. Especially the Steelers. For once in their — please provide your own creative expletive here; I have chosen mine — getting-jiggy-with-it lives, the Steelers actually helped the Bengals by losing to the Chiefs (how is “getting jiggy with it” an expletive? If you’re not offended by the use of “jiggy,” you’re not human).

3) We’re Still Number Two: Even though the Bengals lost and the Patriots won, due to tie-breakers (or maybe a Jedi mind trick by Mike Brown; don’t rule that out), the Bengals are still number two in the AFC. Nevertheless, we need to win and win bad next week against a dangerous rival in the Browns. Where the hell did Brady Quinn come from? Throwing four TDs? That’s ridiculous. I am now officially (sort of) afraid of both of the Browns and the Lions. This sucks.

So now I have a week to stew and ruminate about this loss. I mean, this loss hurts a lot, but there are still six games left. They need to win and it starts with the Browns.