Before I say anything else, the Browns could beat the Bengals. They really, really could. They nearly beat us the last time, and Brady Quinn tossed four touchdowns against the Lions. Hell, he could’ve tossed four touchdowns against the Powder Puff Girls and I’d still be impressed. Okay, maybe I would put a tiny asterisk next to his performance against a suspect Lions defense, but, believe it or not, the Lions still qualify as an NFL team and it’s tough to win games in this league. Just ask the Steelers about the Chiefs (and the Bengals about the Raiders).

So anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is my list of things that I’m thankful for this season:

Ten. Two Games Against the Browns Every Year: Yes, I KNOW, they almost beat us last time. It’s a rivalry game and they always play us tough at least one time per year. But we’ve been beating the Browns more often than not the past few years. And I’m hoping that one of two things (or both) happen for Sunday: One: That last second (really, no second) touchdown against the Browns demoralizes them so much that they come out flat, AND/OR Two: The Bengals are pissed off enough that they unleash their own dog pound and annihilate the Browns like the Death Star did to Alderaan. Yes, I want that kind of planet-destroying destruction. Yes, I sound like a huge nerd. Yes, I’ve not only kissed a girl but I’m married to one. No, I can’t come up with a better analogy. What do you people want from me? If you can think of a better comparison, go write your own blog. Dang. Get off my case.

Nine. Charities by the Bengals: My lovely wife, whom I mentioned in number 10 and I still have actually kissed her (just ask, I’m not bad), told me that I should write something “nice” about the good deeds that the players do around Cincinnati, and since she is a lawyer and I am contractually obligated to listen to her and do what she says (when I feel like it), I will give some props to the Bengals for their charities.

- Feeding the Poor: Eleven Bengals distributed food to the poor on Tuesday at the Freestore Foodbank’s Client Services Center in Cincinnati’s Over-the-Rhine (not a wealthy place, if you didn’t know).
- Chinedum Ndukwe: He has a foundation that promotes healthy living and eating whole foods.
- Marvin Lewis Foundation: This organization helps many facets of Cincinnati: breast cancer research, scholarships for male and female athletes, and a learning initiative that rewards local eighth graders for good grades with a party at Paul Brown Stadium. Last year a party at PBS was probably more of a punishment than a party, but, well, you know how it’s changed.
- The Bengals Blood Drive: The team hosts an annual blood drive. That makes too much sense.
- Roy Williams OMG Campaign: Here is what Bengals.com says about this organization: “The Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation is launching the One Million Gives (OMG) campaign, in an effort to motivate one million people across the country to donate $1 or more to be distributed to organizations nationwide who are geared toward impacting the lives of women and children.”  Nice. 

Eight-Five. Chad Ochocinco: Really, where would the Bengals be without Chad? Sure, he disappears in some games. Yeah, last year he was more annoying than those Polamalu Head and Shoulder commercials, with his bitching and whining about not wanting to be a Bengal. Still, Chad at his best is one of the best receivers in the game. His rededication to being a top receiver has rejuvenated the Bengals this year. He already ranks as the Bengals franchise top receiver in yards. Plus, his antics always make watching the game more interesting. If you don’t like Chad, you don’t have a good sense of humor.

Seven. Three Football Games on Thanksgiving: Too bad one of them has to be the Lions every year. Last year’s Lions game was just horrendous. I don’t know what was sadder: watching the Lions play, or knowing that you voluntarily keep watching such a bad game because an awful NFL game is infinitely better than whatever stupid parade is on TV.

Six. New Moon Drivel: makes you appreciate good vampire movies like Interview with the Vampire. Aforementioned lawyer wife will be forcing me at gun point to see this movie. Or maybe I’m under contract. Or maybe it’s because… well, I don’t know. *Abnormally and Unnecessarily Prolonged Sigh*

Five. Carson Palmer: It’s nice having one of the premiere quarterbacks of the league. But this begs the question, what the heck happened to our offense this year? We’re only averaging 21.5 points per game. One of the worst of the playoff contenders. He’s only had four passes of 40 yards or more this year. We ran 9 running plays in a row on Sunday at one point. We didn’t try enough passes in the red zone last game. It’s like owning a Gran Torino, but you only keep it in the garage and then you have some kid from some obscure Asian nationality try to steal the car, but then you begrudgingly befriend him and his family and then wind up going on a suicide mission in retaliation of the rape of that kid’s sister. I mean, it’s almost EXACTLY like that. See, I can have better and more contemporary analogies.

Four. College Basketball: makes you really appreciate how bad watching the NBA is. I turned on an NBA game for about a minute the other day, and I about fell asleep. I think they were having a tea party at one end of the court. There’s just no movement in the game. It’s like a glorified pick up game between ridiculously overpaid and incredibly athletic tattoo artists. It’s unwatchable. I’d rather watch a Thanksgiving Day parade (okay, maybe not, but it’s damn close).

Three. Not Drafting Brady Quinn: I like the kid and all, but he’s got this preppy, douchebaggy, I-went-to-Notre-Dame-and-Don’t-I-Look-Like-a-Happy-Male-Model-Who’s-Better-Than-You mentality about him. Plus, for all those stupid myoplex commercials and how ripped he looks, the one knock on him is that he can’t throw the deep ball. I feel like someone needs to kick his ass. I’m just saying.

Two-A: Josh Cribbs: I’ll give some props to Cleveland’s most exciting player. I hate whenever he touches the ball, but if I could take away my anxiety, I could enjoy his amazing moves and elusiveness. The dude is good.

Two-B: The Resurgence of Cedric Benson and a Running Game: The quarterback’s best friend is a consistent run game. Now that we’ve established Benson (and to a lesser extent, Bernard Scott), let’s try to use Carson more. Por Favor.

Two-C: Mike Zimmer: The man is still coaching even after his wife passed away from natural causes about a month ago. He’s a courageous man and he’s turned around a once porous Bengals defense. You are my hero, Mike Zimmer. I love you, man.

One: My Wife: (a collective AWWWWWW and PUKE by the audience). I told her that one of the things I want to do before I die is to go to Philadelphia and eat an authentic Philly cheese steak. So for my birthday she got us tickets to go to Philly this weekend and enjoy the city. The only drawback is that I’m going to miss the Bengals game, but I’ll DVR it, which might be better than the real thing because that way I can fast forward all that downtime (and mostly crappy Viagra and financial commercials, and even the beer commercials get old because they play the same damn commercial about 500 times when you watch a game).

Well, folks, let’s hope the Bengals can feast on the Browns (that sounds gross) this weekend. Let’s Go Bengals!