Farley shows the world what the Ravens will be doing

Announcer Guy: Hello and welcome to your weekly SuperFans Debate with your host, Mr. T!

Mr. T: Hey! We gotsa really big game on Sunday, fool! It’s between dem orange and stripey Bungles vs. dem rat-bird Ravens! I pity the individual who cannot ascertain the importance of this positively gargantuan competition between two commensurately matched opponents! Fool! We gots three rabid, ravin’, ridiculously radical fans to showcase their great master debating skills for this match-up: David for da Bungles, Tyson for da Rat-birds, and the great equalizer and Chicago Bears fan, Bill Swerski! Fool!! Here’s our first questions for the night: Who has the better defense: 09 Ravens, 09 Bengals, or 85 Bears?

David: Da Bengals.

Tyson: Da Ravens.

Bill: Da Bears had the greatest defense ever known to both mankind and Satan’s armies. If Lucifer needed an enforcer, he would’ve sent Mike Singletary roamin’ threwout all of humanity, destroying and pillaging village after village, plundering and ravaging da poor citizens of all three planes of existence.

Tyson: Ders no way that da 85 Bears match up with da Ravens. Did you see what da Ravens defense did to da Broncos offense? Kyle Orton pooped a little bit in his pants after da Ravens sacked ‘im on da ferst play. Our cornerbacks are playing stellar D right now, even despite one of our guys whose ferst name is Fabian. Even ‘doh that sounds a little froo-froo, ‘e’s a good cornerback.

David: Our defense is da best of all… Okay, maybe it might be a little bit of a stretcher to say that dey are da best of all time, but dey match up good with da Ravens 09 defense. Dey played really good against da Broncos, but our D will contain deir O. We’ve got two shut-down corners in Leon Hall and Jonathon Joseph. Both of dem will mop da floor with your petty excuse for an officer. Er, I mean, receivers.

Mr. T: I pity you fools! The correct answer is Mr. T by himself, with one leg and no acting career post A-Team. He’s the best defense of all time!

Bill, Tyson, David: No way!

Mr. T: I pity you fools! Next question! Who is the best linebacker of all time? Fools!

Bill: As was mentioned in my previous remarks, Michael Singletary is da geatest. ‘Ow is dere any question? ‘E single handedly forced Hitler to end WWII by threatening ‘im with ‘is pinky finger.

Tyson: Look Mr. Swerski, Singletary was an awesome force, but Ray Lewis is a one-man hurricane. Dat is why dey name all real hurricanes after women, because if dey were as powerful as Ray, at least three societies would’ve been eradicated from da face of da earth by now. Did you see the hit on Mr. Eight-Five last game? ‘E’s a force, let me tell ya’.

David: Rey Maualuga will become da best of all time. ‘E’s not quite der yet, but he will be. Every time you say his name, his insanity slips a little bit more, and he has trouble distinguishing between football players and bugs on a windshield. Try to say his last name phonetically: Mow-oo-a-looga! Dat was what da Tasmanian Devil kept saying over and over again because he was afraid ‘e would tear ‘im to shreds.

Mr. T: Next question, fools! Who has the best offense?!!

Bill: Our offense may not have been da best of all time, but we had Jim McMahon, who may have been just as crazy as dat Bungles linebacker.

Tyson: Joe Flacco is leading an offense that has outscored the Bengals offense by over 30 points. We have a two-headed running attack in Ray Rice and Willis McGahee that will run da Bengals Mow-oo-a-looga over.

David: Ders is no way that your D can contain our O. We’ve got one of da best quarterbacks of all time in Carson Palmer. ‘E’s throwing to one of the deepest wide-receiving corps of all time. And Cedric Benson can beat up your entire family with his eyelashes.

Mr. T: Next question, fools! Who will win between the Ravens and the Bengals this weekend?

Tyson: Da Ravens 66, da Bengals, 6. Da Ravens will score eleven TDs dis weekend, four on offense and seven on defense. Our D will intercept PAHlmer five times and return it for five touchdowns. Ray Lewis will hit Cedric Benson so hard that his seventh generation ancestors will be deformed. We will forgo the kicking game because our kicker started hanging out with the Steelers kicker.

David: Okay, Mr. Ice Cube.

Mr. T: It’s Mr. T!

David: Whatever. You’re barely a viable pop cultural reference.

Mr. T: Fool!

David: Anyway, Da Bengals 84, da Ravens 3. Da Bengals’ ritualistic murdering of Mr. Swerski’s da Bears two weekends ago is just a prelude to the unveiling of the greatest offense of all time. Ray Lewis and Ed Reed’s asses will end up having burnt marks for all the times that PAHlmer and Ochocinco torch da Ravens’ D. Da beating dat da Ravens will receive will make the Los Angeles police department jealous (if you don’t know, that was a very belated Rodney King reference).

Bill Swerksi: Dese two teams should never meet again. Dey are both so evenly balanced on both sides of the ball that the two forces may create anti-matter during deir game. If dis game is allowed to go on, all of existence may be negated. We should work together to ensure that this match-up never occurs on this or any other planet. May God help our souls.

Mr. T: Fool! These two teams have to meet twice every year! You can’t just say they shouldn’t meet. They WILL meet, fool!

Bill: O-K, Mr. Tea-bagging. After dey embarrassed my beloved Bears, I will have to go with da’ Bengals, 31, Ravens 28.

Announcer Guy: That is all the time we have for this week. Join us next week when the SuperFans debate whether or not the public option for the health care bill will ruin the insurance industry. Good night, folks!