So this morning Bengals fans were swimming in the euphoria of the win against the Steelers. But there was Shark Mike Brown lurking in the midst, waiting to reveal his diabolical plans to damper our excitement. Here’s how my morning went in the Ocean of Bengal Feel-Good Feelings with other fans (I used a thesaurus for that title):

Me: Who dey.
Random Fan #1: Man, that was a great game. I expected us to lose. I already made up a list of excuses about why we lost. It was a great game. (an actual comment)
Me: Yeah, a great game. (Thinking, this is the state of a typical Bengals fan: We’ve been losing for so long that we couldn’t possibly conceive of a way that we could win this game)
(Shark Mike Brown is swimming a few yards out)
Me: We’re going to the playoffs.
(Da-dum)
Random Fan #2: Our defense won us the game.
(Daaaa-dum)
Me: We out-Steelered the Steelers.
(Daaaaaa-dum)
Random Fan #3: We’re going to Miami in February. Super Bowl!
Dum
Dum
Dum
Dum
Dum
Ba-da-DAAAAAA!!! (Shark Mike Brown surges out of the water, in all his old, wrinkly, saggy, baldy glory)
Shark Mike Brown: BWAAAAARRR!!! I JUST SIGNED WELL-KNOWN MISOGYNIST AND WASHED UP RUNNING BACK LARRY JOHNSON TO THE BENGALS ROSTER FOR NO REAL REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!!! BWARRRRRR!!!

Bengals Fans: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

So I went through a couple stages of the grieving process when I read that article initially. At first I was like, “No, that’s just a vicious rumor. No way!” (In the back of mind, “Oh crap”). And then I just went straight to anger and perplexity. I felt like Nancy Kerrigan after Tonya Harding’s goons wacked her in the knee: (in nasally, sobbing voice) Whhhyyyyyyy????? WWWW-AYEEEE?

It’s hard to accept this. First off, Larry Johnson is a shell of his former self. He’s rushed for 377 yards at a 2.9 yard per carry average. That sucks. And we WANT him? Granted, the Chiefs have an awful offensive line, but (cue Kerrigan tape) WHYYYYYYY??? Second, if Jonson is good at one thing, he’s good at being a world-class douchebag. He publically criticized his coach and used a homophobic slur in a recent Twitter post. Third, he’s been a police-blotter star waiting to happen. Here’s his rap sheet from the past two years (courtesy of ESPN):

- He was benched for three straight games for violating team rules.
- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended him a fourth game for violating the league’s player conduct policy.
- Johnson was later sentenced to two years’ probation after pleading guilty to two counts of disturbing the peace.
- One woman accused him of throwing a drink on her.
- Another woman said he had pushed her head at a Kansas City nightspot

Ladies and gentlemen: your newest Bengal! Johnson has been on NOW’s (national organization for women) Top Ten Douchebag List for three years now, right between David Letterman and Donald Trump. Seriously, what is Mike Brown’s deal? Someone needs to just punch him in the face, kick him in the nether regions, and run away with the rights to owning the Bengals. As soon as the Bengals have a little success, he’s gotta do something asinine like this.

Some people would say he did it because Cedric Benson was injured in the game against the Steelers. Marvin Lewis said they were in talks with Johnson last Thursday, so that negates that idea. Apparently Johnson is now officially listed as our fourth running back, behind Benson, Bernard Scott, and Brian Leonard. So he’s not even expected to play for us (at least for now). It seems that Benson may not be ready for the game against the Raiders next Sunday with his injury to his hip, but Scott and Leonard have shown that they can be effective running backs. I think Scott could possibly be a future star. He’s got a ton of talent. Why don’t we just go with the guys that we have?

What about other running backs? If they wanted someone for extra insurance, which this decision clearly is, why not someone else? Didn’t the Seahawks release Edgerrin James? What about Dede Dorsey? He’s been with the team for a few years; he knows the scheme. I mean, I’m all for solidifying the roster and making sure our guys are rested for the stretch run, but I am NOT for this decision.
Here are the top five running backs that I’d rather take over Johnson:

1. A blind midget on a unicycle.
2. A one-eyed, one legged, one armed, retarded monkey with ADD and a severe case of gonorrhea.
3. Stephen Hawking
4. Jim Brown’s future corpse
5. Stay with the running backs we have on the roster (gasp).

James Walker of ESPN says this could potentially be a good deal for the Bengals. Schyeah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt. His reasonings are thus: 1) No risk. 2) Good rest for Benson. 3) Add depth to the running back corps. 4) Strong locker room dynamics.

Look, the last thing the Bengals need to do right now is add a malcontent running back. I know some people (okay, me) felt that way about Cedric Benson when he came over here, but Benson was never convicted of his charges (that excuse sounds lame, I know), and he had a ton of gas left in the tank for the Bengals. What does Johnson have left? I just don’t know. Maybe a different environment is what he needs, and it’s not like he’s going to come here and start. Hell, he’s supposedly our fourth running back. And we’re only spending the league minimum for his contract, and that’s for only the last seven games, so cheap-ass Mike Brown gets his bargain-basement player for practically nothing.

I guess the Bengals aren’t taking a huge risk with Johnson, but I still don’t like this move. It makes me want to punch Mike Brown in the face. I mean, punch him in the face harder than usual.