(The Soap opera announcer guy says the following in an unnecessarily low whisper: For this episode of As the Football-World Turns, the role of Cedric Benson will be played by a 16-year-old blonde white girl from southern California.)

Bears assistant coach Ron Turner sits in the living room, reading a newspaper. Cedric Benson storms in past Turner and stands in the corner with his arms folded against his chest. Turner puts down his newspaper.

Turner: Cedric what’s wrong?
Benson: Like, um, you guys, like, ALL the Bears were, like, saying bad things about meeee while I was in Chicagooooo.
Turner: Cedric, this is not true. We gave you all that we had!
Benson: Um, like, no you did-ent! You guys never, like, gave me a chance! When you drafted me in 2005, like, you still liked Thomas Jones more than you, like, liked me.
Turner: Cedric! We didn’t just like you back then. We LIKED liked you. Not just liked you.
Benson: Ron, you didn’t like like me!
Turner: Baby, there was that 36-day hold out, and Thomas was playing really well, and, and—
Benson: You, like, cheated on me!
Turner: We didn’t cheat! We gave you a chance! We wanted just you! We traded Thomas to the Jets and made you our number one, baby!
Benson: *Sniff* But, like, you didn’t support me enough! The defense took cheap shots at me during practice!
Thomas: That’s a lie! We would never do that!
Benson: But you did!
(Bears coach Lovie Smith enters the room)
Benson: Lovie! You’re the only person who liked like me in Chicago!
Lovie: Cedric, we loved you in Chicago, but you didn’t give it your all in Chicago.
Benson: Like, oh my gawd, I really did try hard!
Lovie: You didn’t hit the holes like you’re doing now in Cincy!
Benson: Like, I don’t know, maybe I, like, wasn’t very mature in Chicago.
Lovie: I agree.
Benson: Maybe, like, I’ve had everything given to meeee, like, ever since I started playing football. I was always, like, the man and then when I wasn’t, like, the man in Chicago. It was, like, a bad situation for me. Like.
Lovie: What about this Sunday, Cedric? What about this Sunday? Do you plan to take insidious retribution against our Bears?
Benson: Oh you, like, vile, pernicious man! Like, I would never, ever, never, ever, ever, EVER— okay, maybe I might take some, like, revenge.
Lovie: I will see you on the field!
Turner: Prepare to go down!
Benson: Oh my gawd, like, oh my gawd, like, stuff. We’re going to, like, kick the crap out of you guys and stuff! Both our teams are, like, coming off losses, and we both, like, need this game.
Lovie: This will be a good game no matter what!
Benson: Like, no way. We’re going to, like, crush you and stuff.

Okay, I’ve had enough of the soap opera. I can only, like, write like this for so long. I’m looking forward to the game on Sunday! Go Bengals!