Most pundits are predicting that the Ravens will beat the wildly unpredictable Bengals. And with good reason. Last week’s game, which was more painful and disgusting to watch than witnessing a woman give birth, did not inspire anyone’s confidence in the Bengals. Give credit to the Browns for a playing a good game, but the Bengals did not play well, especially on offense.

So what’s in store for this week’s game at the Ravens game in Baltimore? I have no clue. There is a lot riding on this game. Whoever wins will have sole possession of first place in the AFC North. If the Bengals win, that would mean we would have at least a .500 record against AFC North teams, and we would only have to play the Steelers on the road afterward (where we’ve had success in 05 and 06), and then we face the Browns and Ravens at home. Also, if the Bengals win, they would already equal their wins from last year.

But trying to predict what Bengals team will appear on Sunday is like trying to predict a woman’s mood on any given day (one moment it’s like, BWARRRRRR!!!! I HATE LIFE AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING INCLUDING RANDOM THINGS THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW EVEN EXISTED IN THIS KNOWN UNIVERSE. The next moment: I love you! Life is great! (author’s note: this previous scenario does not apply to any woman that Dave personally knows, including the following: His wife, who is beautiful and smart and talented and secretly a ninja and I love you!, mom, mother in law, sister, sisters in law, aunts, grandma, both puggles, and all women who know him and who happen to read this blog)).

So far this season every game has had its own capricious moment. Game 1: Immaculate reception. 2: Packers recover onside kick. 3: We convert two fourth downs and score a TD to win the game. 4: Every stupid play of that game. Since this season has been quite ridiculous, I am borrowing a page from ESPN writer Bill Simmons’ own commentary. According to Simmons, after witnessing such consistent craziness for a prolonged period of time for a certain team and/or individual, and if someone told you something that is seemingly crazy but plausible about said team/individual, you would believe it. In that vain, here are some ridiculous but plausible occurrences for Sunday’s game:

1) Normally mild-mannered Carson Palmer and even milder-mannered Joe Flacco go out drinking the night before the game. Flacco wakes up the next morning to find that every jersey he owns has the “o” written over it with the letters “id,” along with inappropriate, crude, and disproportionally large images drawn all over his face and uniform. He’s too hung-over to care and plays as is.

2) Mike Brown decides to replace his entire team with actual Bengal tigers. Art Modell objects to playing against such ferocious creatures. Brown decides to use marsupials instead. And puts lasers on their head. Brown also puts on a light-grey jump suit and buys a new cat and names it Mr. Bunglesworth. Reporters ask him if he’s either going insane or watching too much Austin Powers. He replies, “What’s Austin Powers?” People shake their head and the Bengals are forced to forfeit the game.

3) Chad Ochocinco catches a touchdown and doesn’t celebrate. He also decides to quit football and becomes a full-time dad to his four children from three different women (I’m not fabricating the number of kids and women). He learns how to knit. (Chad yesterday said that if he scores a TD against the Ravens, his celebration would be inspired by Talladega Nights.  “If you’re not first, you’re last.”  Hmmm… What would he do?  This prompted a discussion between my lovely, beautiful, and talented wife and myself about what it could be.  I think he might do something with “Shake N Bake”…  If Chad is anything, he’s definitely interesting.)

If you don’t think these scenarios are plausible, you haven’t been watching the games lately. With that said, I’m going to play the percentage game for this Sunday’s Bengals-Ravens game that ESPN’s PTI program does. Mine will be a little bit different. Here are the percentages and the scenario of what would happen next to it for the game on Sunday:

- 49.1%: The Ravens dominate the Bengals and win the game 35-10. I see this as the most likely scenario. Our luck can’t go on forever. After the Ravens’ loss to the Patriots with the bogus roughing the passer call and the drop by Clayton, I think the Ravens are going to come out firing on all cylinders and we’re just going to get smoked. Palmer will throw about four interceptions in this scenario.

- 38.7%: The Ravens win a very close game. The Ravens jump out ahead by a couple of TDs, and the Bengals do nothing for the first three quarters. Palmer gets intercepted three times. But, as usual, they make a frantic comeback. It’ll be fourth down and 7 at the Ravens 10 yard line with about 7 seconds left and the Bengals are down by five points. Palmer steps back to throw and it bounces off Chad’s hands.

- 12.11%: The same scenario as 38.7%, except a receiver catches the ball and the Bengals win the game. Palmer’s intercepted twice.

- .09%: The Bengals dominate the game on both sides of the ball and win handily. Palmer throws 5 TDs and no interceptions. And Chad becomes a priest.

For the past few years, except in 2008, we’ve had some success against the Ravens. Palmer has gone 6-3 agains the Ravens, and he had that one miraculous comeback in 2004 when they were down 20-3 and scored three touchdowns in the fourth quarter, or something like that.  The reason for this success is that our offense was just good enough to score points on their defense, and our defense actually could contain their offense. Now, all of a sudden the Ravens have this offense that has been racking up points. And their defense is still good. The key to this game, however, will be our passing offense. Right now the Ravens rank #1 in the run defense at a ridiculous 59.5 yards a game, but they rank 25th in passing defense.

But I don’t know if our passing offense will do anything on Sunday. We have the quarterback and we have the receivers. We have a decent running back corps. Why can’t we get our offense going? Palmer’s average quarterback rating: 75.2. Hardly the rating of an elite QB, unlike Flacco who has a 94.3 QB rating. Palmer’s longest passing play of the year? 44 yards. (Flacco: 72 yards). One of the things that I was looking forward to this year was the return of the Big Play, but we haven’t had that at all this year. I thought that, with the return of Pro Bowl Chad and deep threats Laveranues Coles and Chris Henry, we would easily have a few huge plays by now. Palmer’s only launched it a few times, and it always seems to be an errant throw. I don’t know what’s been wrong with Palmer this year. I know he didn’t play much at all last year, and he didn’t really have a preseason, but he’s still a veteran and should be playing significantly better. That’s the most frustrating thing this year: the inconsistency of our offense.

Let’s hope they can figure it out by Sunday.