Director of Bengals Promotional Video: Okay, Mr. Ocho-uno, are you ready to roll?
Chad: Child please, my name is Ocho-Cinco.
Director: Whatever, are you ready?
Chad: Si.
Director: Survivor, are you ready?
Survivor: Who are we again?
Director: You’re that really bad 80s band who did “Eye of the Tiger” for Rocky III.
Survivor: Oh yeah, I guess we’re easy to forget because we were pretty forgettable, but that song kicked ass.
Director: Right, whatever. That’s what you’re here for. Okay, everyone ready? Lights, camera, action!
(Backdrop: Cincinnati streets in front of Paul Brown Stadium (PBS). Survivor, in the back of a pickup truck, starts to play. Chad is in the middle of the street ahead of the truck. He puts down his quarter pounder with cheese and his café latte and starts to jog as the band follows him. Chad punches the air to the “dums”).
Survivor: da da da da da da dad Dum, Dum, Dum dum, Dum Dum Dum, Dum Da duuuuuum. Risin’ up, back on the street / Did my time, took my chances / Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet / Just a man and his will to survive.
(Chad jogs into PBS. A four foot Mexican boy in an oversized sombrero hat and a dirty poncho tosses Chad a football. Survivor continues to follow Chad in his truck as he goes toward the end zone.)
Chad: I am Chad Ochocinco, I’m the cream of the fight / Risin’ up to the challenge of the Steelers. / And the last known Bengal stalks his prey in the night / And he’s watchin us all in the eyyyyyyyyyyyyye of the-

WHAM!!!!! Lawrence Timmons comes out of nowhere and levels Chad right before he reaches the end zone.

Hi folks, did you enjoy my little sketch? Thank you, thank you. No, really, stop your applause. So Chad this week has, well, been Chad. He did the Lambeau Leap on Sunday, and on Wednesday he unveiled his “Cornerbacks Who Haven’t Covered Me” check list. He called out both cornerbacks for the Steelers. Hold on one second. I need to look them up (fancy elevator music plays in the background). Ike Taylor and (one more second) William Gay (Nelson Muntz: Ha ha). I personally cannot expound upon their strengths or weaknesses, but I can say that they’re not quite household names, unlike Champ Bailey or that one Raiders dude with that ridiculous name (but you do know him, though, if you’re a football fan). The Steelers defense is not known for their corners, but they are known for just about everyone else, though.

With that said, I will predict that Chad probably WILL be covered by the Steelers corners. Both of them. They might even triple team him. Hell, they might even throw in Brick Tamland (aka Steve Carrell from Anchorman) who can stab Chad in the heart with his trident. Really, I think all of Western PA will reenact that commercial for the NFL, where Troy Polamalu and Larry Fitzgerald fight it out over a yard, and then the rest of the fans come in and push each other. Except Cincinnati won’t be involved. It’ll just be Pennsylvanians piling on top of Chad one after another.

I made the mistake of reading people’s comments on an article on ESPN about Chad’s “list.” First off, one should never, ever ready those comments, because ESPN must only allows people with an IQ under 70 along with the grammatical skills of a 3rd grader to write on those boards (that’s for ANY fan from ANY team). Second, everyone always take things so (bleeping) personally. Get over yourselves, for goodness’ sake. Typical comment: Oh my God, I can’t believe someone would say something bad about MY (always “my,” like they own them or want to take them out for a walk or do something that I can’t write with them) Steelers. You Bungles are such losers. Blah blah blah.

Yes, we are Bungles. Yes, we are losers. This is not news to anyone. What gets me mad with Chad and his antics is that they don’t usually work. There was the Pepto Bismol game when he sent a case of Pepto to the Browns corners before the game. And then he did nothing. Really, Chad loves to talk a good game. He does. Has he ever backed it up against the Steelers? Not really. He’s never had more than one touchdown in one game. I don’t think he’s even had over a hundred yards in a game. The Steelers usually do a good job shutting him down. Which is why I get pissed off whenever I see that stupid commercial on ESPN, where there’s Chad, Cole “I’m Not Really Gay Even Though I Look FLAMING” Hamels, and Jameer Nelson, talking at that table with whoever the hell that one guy from ESPN magazine is. First off, the acting has to be the worst acting of all time. Their lines are more wooden than the Trojan horse. Second, when Chad says, “And I burn [the Steelers] for two touchdowns [after they game planned against me all week],” that is the biggest load of crap ever! That’s never happened, Chad! I just want to punch every single person who was remotely involved with that commercial, including their relatives and next of kin. Worst, Commercial, Ever.

Okay, I don’t want to punch Chad anymore (at one time, yes). He has stopped being Super Prima Donna and now is just a prima donna. But Chad is ultimately harmless. He does this stuff for fun, the whole cornerback lists, jumping into Lambeau stands (by the way, he bought those tickets for the Bengals fans who were there for him to jump to), making crazy claims. Chad is just bringing back playground rules and ethics to professional sports. What do you do before a pick up game? Talk trash. It’s fun, it gets your revved up, it makes the competition more interesting. That’s what Chad’s doing, and I have no problem with what he has done this week (in the past, yes, but not now). I’ve done a complete 180 on my feelings about Chad. I wanted him out of Cincinnati a year ago, but now I’m glad he’s back on the team. He has rededicated himself and he seems to be playing well. I think he’ll do okay on Sunday, but I don’t think he’ll “burn” the Steelers for two TDs.

Anyway, I’ve said my piece about Chad, but what about the rest of the players? Here are my Dos Equis Most Interesting Thoughts in the World about the Bengals-Steelers game.

1. Sacking (he he) Ben: The first thing that Ben talked to his coaches about the Bengals on Monday was, “Who is Antwan Odom and where did he come from?” (thanks Peter King, si.com) Well, Antwan was injured pretty much all last year. He only started 8 games. I wasn’t too sure about this free-agent pick up, but now I’m pretty excited about him. If we’re going to beat the Steelers, Ben needs to be on his back every other play (you can write your own joke for that one). If they double team Antwan, that will leave other players open to attack Ben. We didn’t sack Ben at all last year. We need to do it this year if we want to have any chance in this game.
2.  Running game, both ways (both ways! He he): We need to run the ball and stop the run. Thankfully it seems the Steelers aren’t as dominant in the running game as they used to be, but they are always good at stopping the run. Cedric Benson has been a good surprise for the Bengals this year. I don’t think he will have a repeat of last week (140 yards, 4.9 a carry), but he needs to be pretty close to the 100 yard mark. And we need to make sure that the Steelers don’t have a resurgence in their run game.
3. Palmer needs to play for the right team (what’s with all these suggestive topics?): Last week Palmer basically threw two line drives to Charles Woodson of Green Bay. We MUST take care of the ball, and that includes you, too, Cedric.
4. Bengals secondary vs. Steelers wideouts: Ben won’t get sacked every play, and he’ll complete more than one pass, but we need to mitigate all the potential damage he can cause on the field. I’m hoping our corners or safeties will get their first interception this weekend. That’ll be huge.
5.  Bengals wideouts vs. All of Western PA: As mentioned before (quite humorously, I might add), they will throw everything they can at Chad. I think that’s going to leave Coles, Henry, and Caldwell wide open at times. One of them (Henry!) will have a huge game for us.
6.  Revenge against the Hines Ward Hit on Keith Rivers: will not factor into the game. The only revenge enacted this weekend will be for the Bengals sucking this past existence.
7.  The David Jacob Factor: Yes, folks, yours truly will factor into this game. Why? I’ve got tix, baby. I have had a bad streak of Bengals-Steelers games in Cincy. I went to the playoff game and the one in 2006 when the Steelers knocked them out of the playoff race because Shank Graham couldn’t come through in the clutch. I don’t believe in superstition, but I certainly don’t help the outcome of the game either way.
8.  The Jeremy Factor: He’s a nice, affable, erudite German teacher at a local school in Cincinnati. We’ve been friends since college. But, he’s a Steelers fan. And he’s coming to the game with me. The gods of football may not look kindly at this case of perfidy. He emailed me a couple days ago and said to bring anti-depressants to the game. You know what you can do with those anti-depressants? You can take a fine… (Editor’s note: apparently this blog was dictated into a cassette tape and Dave’s diatribe was drowned out by a loud airplane noise, but we did catch the words “lube” and “firecracker” in there) until the handle falls off and the doctors have to reattach it again. Sorry, folks, I know this is a family blog, but I had to go there.

Dec. 30, 2001 was the last time the Bengals beat the Steelers in Cincinnati. Ben so far is undefeated when he plays in Ohio. This must change! They may take our wives, but they’ll never take (pause) our footballs!!!!!