I could write about how our no-name backups WOMPED on the Colts no-name backups during Thursday night’s sham of a game.  I feel SO confident now that our backups look like junior world champions (actually, it IS a positive that we have a decent second team if a first team member gets injured).  I could write about whom we cut and kept (I’m surprised at Marvin White’s cut, and I’m happy we’re keeping both RBs Brian Leonard and Dede Dorsey).  Or I could write about how linebacker Rey Maualuga will start the opener (Rashad Jeanty is a good player… but you gotta go with the most talented guy, and I’m glad we’re going with him).

What am I going to write about?  First round pick, 30 day hold out, broken foot because his fat ass was walking on it, projected right tackle starter but now projected bench warmer, Andre Smith.  Look at that picture again.  No, really look at it.  It’s, it’s, I don’t… what the hell is that?  Is that really human?  It looks like some dying old man is trying to escape from his stomach.  When I look at that picture, I’m reminded of an episode of South Park with the underpants gnomes, and Cartman was trying to describe why he doesn’t like the underpants gnomes and he goes, “Just look at him. He’s all sitting there like, he’s all like, just, just look at him.”  Cartman’s inarticulate description of his dislike of the underpants gnomes matches my own inability to describe my repugnance of Andre Smith and his “body.”  It looks like someone replaced Andre’s body with a bean bag stuffed with jelly donuts.  Watching him without his shirt on subtracts another 5 years from your life span.  I feel fatter just from looking at this picture.  I bet you that you could find Fraggle Rock in the crack of his ass (if you don’t get the reference, you did not grow up in the 80s).

Do you see his man boobs?  They look like rocket ships about to launch to space.  His nipples seem to say, “Free me from this body!  Do you see what I’m attached to?  One man’s boobs should not move this much!”  Andre Smith’s fat rolls make tubs of lard look like a diet shake.  My god, and we chose this guy, THIS body, as our number one pick, number six in the draft.  This is how he shows up on combine day, a day he had several months to prepare for, to “impress” coaches.  What did our coaches see in this guy?  Did his gravitational pull affect their thinking?  Yeah, yeah, he played well in Alabama, and before his fiasco at the combine where he skipped out early without telling anyone, he was considered the most talented offensive lineman in the draft.  So now we have a talented, overweight, immature, broken-footed offensive lineman.  Fantastic.  And what does the success of our season depend on?  The o-line, of course.  I think they will be fine without him.  The guy who will start in place of Andre is Anthony Collins, who hasn’t been too bad.  I’m just holding my breath and hoping we can protect Carson.  If we can give him time, I think we might have one of the most explosive offenses.  If we not, we’re going to see a repeat of last year.