So okay, the consensus from just about everybody and his brother is that the Bengals could possibly (maybe? probably? hopefully? snow-ball’s-chance-in-hell-fully?) be a playoff participant this season. If you then include everyone and her sister, those people say that the one thing that could prevent the Bengals from doing so is their offensive line. You think? Last season the Bengals gave up 51 sacks, second worst in the league. That’s over three per game! No wonder Carson looked like a piñata during the first quarter of the season, and Ryan “My Arm is Like a Noodle” Fitzpatrick spent more time running from defensive ends than Chris “Jailbird” Henry did from the police (in all fairness, people say he’s a “changed” man… let’s hope so…).

So the big question is, Is the OL better? And the answer is, I hope to God so. If it’s not better, it’s at least different. Bobbie Williams and Andrew Whitworth are the only returning starters, and Whitworth is at a “new” position (he was left guard last year, left tackle this year, but that’s where he played at LSU). Whitworth and Williams were two of our more solid o-linemen last year. Nate Livings will be the other guard besides Williams, and he played well once he became a starter last year toward the end. There’s also the new center Kyle Cook who #1: Proved to be the strongest guy in camp by benching 225 lbs. 39 times and #2: Has a nasty attitude. If there’s one thing that the Bengals need, it’s a guy with the “you hit me and I hit you harder” attitude.

And then there is Andre Smith, who’s our first round draft pick and our projected right tackle. He has yet to sign his contract. It’s been over 12 days and whatever number of practices. This is getting ridiculous. I really don’t care whose (owner Mike Brown’s) fault it is for him not signing, JUST SIGN THE PAPER (the Enquirer reported that the Bengals offered Smith less money than the dude who got picked after him… okay, in the Bengals’ defense, I can understand that some agents keep asking for higher and higher prices and it may not be fair to expect a club to keeping paying exorbitant pay raises… I still blame Mike Brown. It’s nice to have a villain in Cincy other than the Steelers). I’ve kind of lost hope that Andre is going to sign anytime soon… but he has to sign sometime.

Now, if you’re a true Bengals fan, you know in your heart that anything – any little thing, no matter how minute or trivial – could potentially derail a Bengals season. So before I proclaim that the (Bengals’) world will end tomorrow if Smith doesn’t sign soon (which might happen if no one mentions Michael Jackson, his kids, his bastard kids, or the random “I’m the real father/mother of MJ’s kids” tomorrow), there are a few things about Smith’s not being at camp to give fans some relief:

#1: O-line does not equal rocket science. Out of all the positions on the field, I would say the O-line would be one of the less demanding to learn mentally. What does Smith have to learn when he gets on the field? Block that guy in front of you. He doesn’t have to memorize all the WR’s routes, know what the RB or TE has to do, or whatever. JUST BLOCK THAT GUY. It’s not that bloody difficult. In other words, as long as Andre hasn’t been living at Mickey D’s the past few months and is in relatively good shape, he should be able to catch up to speed with everyone else in a relatively quick time. Plus, the Bengals have a dude writing down notes about what Andre would have learned if he were there and then emailing it to him. Andre is even responding with questions. At least he’s doing something now.
#2: Anthony Collins = good insurance. He’s the back up who will start if Andre can’t. He’s 6-5, 315 lb. He started the last six games of the season. Coaches said he played well. YOU try to get by someone who’s 6-5, 315. I don’t think so. Plus, according to the always reliable Geoff Hobson of Bengals.com, scouts talked about Collins almost as much as Jason Smith, who was the first OT picked in the draft. I guess Collins came out a little early than he should’ve for the draft. Who cares. He’s a big dude.
#3: He WILL get signed. Maybe the sun will have imploded by then, but a person who holds out the entire season is unprecedented (the Bengals could always be a first, though). His agent says he wants to get him in sooner rather than later. I hope this is true. I’ve been checking espn.com and Bengals.com like a crack addict looking for another hit, holding my breath to see “Smith signed,” but to no avail. Rest assured, he WILL get signed. Not even the Bengals can screw this up (famous last words…).

Andre Smith, though, is a pretty good talent and I hope arrives sooner than later. One of my favorite quotes from him is that he protects the quarterback like he wants to protect his mother. He can’t stand seeing either getting hit. THAT’s who I want protecting Carson. In fact, that’s a good idea for the season. Why don’t you take the elderly grandmothers of both the left and right tackles and place them next to Carson. Who’s going to let a 320 lb. defensive end come near his grandmamma? Exactly! This is seriously a good idea. Too many men on the field with the grandmas, you say? Ha ha, too many men on the field. Grandmas don’t count. Even if they don’t use a walker, you give them one. That way they could trip them if they get near. This would be fantastic. Even if a defensive lineman beats his man, how could he hit a grandma? That’s what I’m talking about! The Bengals need to hire me as a special consultant/majority owner. Hell, I’d do it for free. That way we could give Andre the money he’s asking for.

So Mr. Smith, I hope you’re coming to Cincy soon. I think as long as he has at least two preseason games under his belt that he should be fine to make a contribution early in the season. I think the offensive line will be okay without him, but we need all the talent (and expendable grandmas) that we can get.